“Dear Diary,” I typed “Why do I have to doubt someone I trust? Sincerely, Darla” Publish.
I keep an online diary. A secret one actually — even my best friends or my boyfriend don`t know it exists. It`s where I write my deepest thoughts and my darkest secrets.
I leave my laptop on and get dressed for a dinner date with him. As I was waiting for Freddie to pick me up, my phone rang to his tone. “Where are you?” I asked.
“Oh yeah, hey, that`s why I called.” he immediately answered.
“I`m sick and I couldn`t get out of bed. Sorry, love, I`ve to cancel tonight.”
“Oh. It`s okay, dear. Get rest.” A feeling of compassion and disappointment in me.
“I`m sorry. I`ll see if I can come over tomorrow.”
“No need, I`ll drop by your house instead.”
“Okay.. Do you have plans for tonight?”
“Well, Mari and June`s asking if I`m free tonight. They wanted to try out a new street restaurant.. Bet it`s a bar.”
“Then go out with them.”
“Yeah, I`ll call them. Hey, you should probably sleep.”
“Right. Okay, have fun, babe.”
We went to an outdoor mall, just a few cities away. We don`t hang out here a lot, but tonight, we`re 3 girls seeking adventure, free of hesitation and insecurities.
“I thought you were having a date tonight?” asked June.
“He`s sick, can`t do anything about it.” I sighed, looking around. Admiring how a place could be so alive at night and dead at the hint of sunlight. Admiring how diverse the people are, and how each joint`s unique from each other.
Mari wanted only food but June wanted the drinks. I wanted both.
Just as we were having a feast — a mixture of food, alcohol, and cigarettes — Mari blurted out, “Darla! Isn`t that Freddie?”. My eyes grew wide as I turned my back to see where Mari`s eyes were pointing at. True enough, it is my boyfriend. Guess what? He`s with his girl best friend, Cara.
I didn`t know what to do. Should I go up to him? Call him? Give him silent treatment?
“That`s right. Sick. Who goes out with his best friend when his girl friend knows he`s sick?” I felt June`s anger, but no one could see the rage in me.
“Fuck, what am I supposed to do?” I consulted them since I trust their advice, always. They both said I should call him. With my phone pressed to my ears, I observe him staring at his phone with fear in his eyes. We waited for him to pick up, but he didn`t.
“You know what, go up to him right now. Let`s see how fucked up his reaction would be.” June suggested.
My eyes drifted from Mari to June. After a deep breath, I stood up and walked towards Freddie and Cara`s table, just a several meters away from ours.
The smiles on their faces disappeared when they saw me. His was priceless. “Darla, I-” before he can even continue, I blurted “Thought you were sick so you ditched me and it was okay until now. But you know what?” with a sinister smile, I said “your best friend can suck it.”. My fists still clenched, ready to punch, I slapped him instead and walked away, headed back to where my best friends are.
“Let`s go. Pay the bill then let`s bounce. Let`s go somewhere else, I don`t care where. I just want to forget what just happened.” I said approaching our table. The waiter who took our bill is taking too long to return, I wanted to leave them there to stroll around, having no idea where to go, but Freddie blocked my way.
“I`m sorry. She insisted we go out. I couldn`t say no because we haven`t seen each other for months. She was desperate.” He explained. I rolled my eyes with “Fuck off.” coming out of my mouth. I wanted to push him away but he gripped my arms and said, “Babe, I didn`t mean to lie to you. It`s just that I didn`t know how to tell you I also wanted to see my best friend.”
I shook my head without speaking, forced his hands off me and followed Mari and June as they signaled our bill is done and we`re leaving.
I let June drive because I was too furious, I`m scared I might cause an accident.
“So, where are we headed?” June asked, just driving to wherever.
“Darla? Any requests?” Mari asked, trying to comfort me. Both of us sitting in the backseat. Her arms embracing me and I, slouched and buried in tears and misery. I didn`t speak at all. They then decided we should just chill at Mari`s place — our usual hang out, my second home.
After some time, I finally spoke. “I want pizza and ice cream. Please, I`m starving.”
Mari gave me a gallon of mango-flavored frozen yogurt and we ordered two boxes of garlic-shrimp pizza, my favorite comfort foods and yes, I am comforted.. some how. June told me Freddie called her, asking where I was. “Of course I won`t tell him. He should find out.” she assured me. I checked my phone not because of him but because of my dad. I got startled when 46 missed calls and 28 messages flashed on my phone screen, all from Freddie.
“Well, my dad knows I`m with you guys so, I guess it`s okay for me to sleepover without notice.”
The next morning, I woke up to sound of their voices telling me he`s outside. “What?” I asked, sunlight in my eyes.
“Your..” June hesitated “ex-boyfriend`s outside. He wants to talk to you.”
“How did he find out I`m here?”
Their shoulders raised synchronically.
Here goes nothing.
He has a bouquet of roses and I raised my eyebrows, waiting for him to say something. Speak now or leave.
“Can we talk in private?” he glanced at Mari and June when he said “in private”. I nodded and led him out to the balcony.
“I`m sorry I lied.” he started “she called me up yesterday afternoon, telling me that`s the only time she`s free. I told her I already have plans but she insisted.”
“But why did you lie to me? You could have just told me you wanted to see your best friend.”
“You might think I`m prioritizing her over you.”
“I am now! Things would have been better if you told me the truth.”
“I didn`t think it was okay for you if I cancelled because of Cara.”
“Why? Since when did I become selfish? You know I love seeing you happy. I give you freedom to hang out with your friends, right?” I saw guilt in his eyes.
“I`m sorry.” he apologized once more
“You may leave.” I insisted
“I want to fix this. Fix our relationship.”
“Dunno. I don`t want to see you first.”
“Please let me make it up to you.”
“Leave.” I said, and that was a command.
I`ve never cried in my whole life as much as I did that day. I wanted to scream but I`m afraid no one else would hear me. I was crying on the outside, dying on the inside. Deleting his number was useless — I`ve memorized it by heart.
It`s been 2 weeks since that fight. No wait, break up. Torn between calling myself strong and stupid for telling him I don`t want to see him ever. I love him, I know I do — I still do — but no one can conceal the wound he left me. It`s still fresh, but I`m getting over it.
That Saturday, I have no plans of going out.. then my phone rang. An unregistered number is flashing on the screen yet I knew exactly who it`s from.
I hesitated, “Hello?”
“Darla. It`s great you finally picked up.” It`s him.
“I missed you.” my stomach turned as I was tempted to say I miss him too. “Are you free today?” followed.
I wanted to be a chase but my mouth already blurted out a “yes”
“Um, I was thinking if you wanted to go out.. watch a movie, maybe?”
“Sure!” with my palms slamming on my face. Why do you have to sound so excited, Darla??
I heard a sound of excitement on the other end of the line. “So I`ll pick you up, say, in an hour?”
“Sounds good. See you.” I hung up and rushed to primp myself up. I was too giddy that my smile goes up all the way to my ears and my cheeks are so rosy, I didn`t even need to put make up on.
“Punk” is my term of endearment for him because apparently, he is always punctual. He did arrive an hour after our phone conversation, as if he was sure I was going to say yes. There was a different kind of feeling the moment I saw him. I can`t explain even to myself exactly what it is, but I know it`s something that would make the both of us happy.
“You look beautiful.”
“Thanks.” I said, not wanting to sound like everything is okay, even if it actually is. After all, I`m not mad at him, I`m just mad at what he did.
We sat in awkward silence in the car. I glance at him from time to time even though I wanted to stare a little bit longer. Breaking the silence, he wondered, “So, how are you?”
“Still the same. You?”
He sighed, “Still wanting you back.”
The rest of the day went by smoothly. We saw The Hobbit even though he thinks it`s the geekiest movie ever. He knew it would make me happy, and it did. I love the fact that he tries to understand the geeky stuff I like, no matter how corny he thinks it is.
After sitting in the cinemas for a good three hours, we decided to go to our favorite chill spot — the bookstore. I`ve always been a fan of mystery-thriller novels while he is more of the comic book collector type. Being with him again made me forget that our relationship was falling over the edge. I thought about making it up with him already, but being the passive one, I kept my mouth shut.
He took me earlier than usual, around 7 in the evening. I immediately stepped out of his car, avoiding long, awkward pauses but he also stepped out, delaying me from going inside my house.
“Darla.” he took my hands.
“Yes? Thanks for today, by the way.”
He looked right into my eyes that I couldn`t resist not to look back, making my knees weak. “Darla, I know things aren`t completely okay with us but I`m happy I was able to spend time with you again.” Me too, Freddie. He continued, “And I just want to let you know I`m just here, in case you want to talk. I`m still aware of what I did, the mistake I made and I`m really sorry. I hope you give a chance to make our relationship the way it used to be.”
I found myself dumbstruck. I was frozen, just staring up at him. His eyes, piercing mine, I feel his sincerity. Then he took another step closer to me, cupped my head with both his hands and kissed my forehead. My hands landed on his chest as I was intending to push him away, but I was too weak to do so.
“I love you.” he whispered, his lips still pressed to my forehead. In that moment, I felt like my body was being electrocuted. The sort of electric charge that made my spirit alive and my bones shake both at the same time. My eyes let out a tear, our bodies still connected. It was like falling in love all over again. Then he let go and said “Good night.”. I know I was going to regret it if I didn`t, so I called him, “Freddie, wait!” biting my lips, gathering courage, losing my pride.
He stopped walking halfway ro his car and turned around. I ran over to where he was and embraced him, whispering in his ear that I miss him. No words came out from us. I guess we both missed the intimacy.
I rushed inside my house then, closing the door, bursting into tears. Calm down. Think of your next move now. Confused of what I should do, I wrote to my therapist a.k.a my blog:
Love is the root of our problems but it is also the solution. It`s just so hard to resist the person I love. Sweet heavens, help me — for I know after making up there is making out. And I could not wait.
I wake up at 2 in the morning with nothing in my head.
30 minutes later, I can`t get back to bed.
Another 30 minutes I think about Cheetos and smores,
another 30 about you and nothing more.
Then comes the thought of BMTH`s concert,
endless promotion, the effort I exert.
All this is for a cause.
When March 6th comes, I`m ready to mosh.
getting lost in the city together.
my head on your shoulder.
movie marathons at home.
coffee dates on a Thursday afternoon.
whispering “I love you” right in the ear.
goofing around in public.
goofing around in front of the camera.
museum trips on a Wednesday morning.
lunch dates at a new resto.
going to concerts together.
last full shows at the movie house.
sharing an extra large cup of soda.
occasionally partying on a Friday night.
usually staying in on a Friday night.
1am phone calls.
missing sleep to talk to you.
long, night walks on the beach.
building Lego structures.
the excitement of seeing you on Mondays.
getting all messed up.
messing each other up even more.
lying on the grass on a windy afternoon.
jumping off a cliff.
the hype of the water catching you.
sharing ice cream.
eating frozen yogurt right after
and having milk shake the next.
hugs from behind.
play video games all Saturday afternoon.
be couch potatoes.
wishing on a shooting star.
realizing it was an airplane
debating on who told who that the airplane is a shooting star.
arguments that lead to misunderstandings.
making up after an argument.
making out after making up.
slacking off with boxes of pizza.
vandalizing each other`s skin.
plans of getting inked together.
not such a good idea.
adopting a puppy at the shelter.
posting a video of us singing on YouTube.
tight grips inside the haunted house.
making a cover of your favorite song.
red roses on random days.
watching the sunset together.
jogging `til sunrise.
eating a hearty breakfast.
that small square on a waffle with the most syrup.
sharing the last slice of cake.
postcards & polaroids.
spending the whole day at a bookstore.
the smell of books.
dressing up as a famous duo for Halloween.
exotic food trips.
not knowing what to do or where to go next.
kisses on the cheek.
giggles and uncontrollable laughs.
catching you staring at me.
catching me staring at you.
canon balls > swan dives.
discovering a new band.
vintage store thrifting.
jukeboxes & vinyls.
artsy snail mails.
the adrenaline you give me.
My watch says it`s six o`clock in the evening but you can`t see the moon. It`s supposed to be winter but it still feels like summer — even hotter. Six hours until the end of the world and I`m with my friends.
“Hey, seriously, I want some ice cream.” My friend, Austin said.
“If there`s still some left! I`m sure it already melted from all the heat!” my buddy, Stephen said.
I have two boys as best friends. I`m Charlie — Charlotte`s my real name but they said it doesn`t fit me.
“I`m really hungry. Let`s go home? Mum made us the last supper.” Austin can still manage to joke around in times like these.
“I`m up for that.” I spoke for my growling stomach.
On our way to their house, I came upon this abandoned sanctuary that was once my home. I let the two lads go ahead and promised them this won`t take long. As I approached the front porch, memories immediately filled the atmosphere. I remember how we used to eat breakfast here every Sunday morning and see everyone live a peaceful life. I went up to my room and remembered how mum and dad tucked me in to sleep every night. I went to my parents` room and thought about how much I miss them.
“Mum, dad, wherever you are, always remember I miss you both so much. Okay? I love you.” Tears ran down my cheeks as I wish they were here with me — embracing me and telling me everything`s going to be fine, just like what they always tell me when I get a small wound from running around a lot.
I felt the dust and the heat on my skin as I savor the last time I`ll be in my home. As I did my exit, I said a heartfelt goodbye and thank you.
My watch made noise as it alarms every hour. It`s seven in the evening and I need to get to the boys` house. Running, running, and more running since it`s a block away from mine. Everybody`s in paranoia, 5 hours `til the day the world ends. All I`m caring about is getting to eat and cherish my last hours on Earth.
“Oh, there you are! We`ve been worried about you.” Mrs. Carter exclaims as she waited for me outside the house.
“I just visited my house..” I replied.
“Are you okay?”
“I am. I just really miss them, that`s all.”
I had my last supper with the people I already consider family. They took care of me when mum and dad passed away. They treated me like we carry the same blood.
Stephen and Austin are cousins that`s why it`s always a party at their place. I never felt like an outcast with them.
We then spent hours playing board games in their living room. Monopoly, Cranium, The Game Of Life.
“Look, I`m already in college!” says Stephen “but this won`t happen in real life.” I felt his sadness that we`re just seventh graders and won`t be able to enjoy our teenage years already.
It`s 11:11 and as usual, we wished for a bunch of things we know would not happen but there`s still hope in our hearts that it would. We actually have no idea why wishing on 11:11 is necessary. We don`t even know who`ll grant these wished, we just do.
“What time`s the solar flare again?” Austin asked
“Approximately 3 am.” I replied
“Who wants to go to the lake for the last time?” said Stephen.
Mrs. Dales, Stephen`s mother, butted in, “You are not going out anymore.”
I honestly thought going to the lake was a good idea since it was close to the cemetery. Waiting for the right time to leave, I prepared myself for this massive event for everyone`s history. Looking out the window, I watch people go into mindless chaos. Some are fighting, stealing, running around like imbeciles. I hate to think about the world`s end but it`s already happening. No one can deny the fact that all of humanity would die in a few hours.
Time passed in a jiffy and it`s already one o`clock in the morning — it`s time for me to go. With nothing but my family picture, I told the Carter and Dales family my deepest gratitude and love. They didn`t want me to leave but I insisted. We group hugged and they let me go.
I hurriedly made my way to the cemetery, not minding anyone.
By the time I got there, I can feel my skin burning. Immediately, I found my parents` grave since it lies underneath a huge, sturdy tree. I sat under it but there aren`t any shades.
“Hi mum, hi dad. I`m here now. I hope you`re watching over me.”
I had the urge to lie down the grass but it burnt me. Nothing`s cool anymore, literally. Beads of sweat are running down my face and I can`t control it anymore. I feel so irritated by the heat and the dust and the sight of death in form of the sun. I hugged my parents` epitaphs and didn`t care if anyone can see me.
“See you soon, mum and dad. I love you.”
An enormous ball of fire flashed upon me and cooked me. The last thing I thought about before completely losing my brains was, “Where`s my next destination?”
Care not of what others say
All they aim for is catalyze you down
Relentless of your prey
Pusillanimity you shall drown
Epitaphs on nightmares
Dandelions to support my dreams
Irrigate my thoughts with a stare
Establish yourself, rule a regime
Make your story the headline for years
I went through a million yesterdays’
Five hundred regrets for six hundred days
Giggles, chuckles, endless laughter
the thrill of nirvana on euphoric platters.
A hundred things on today`s agenda
kiss a giraffe and hug a panda
discover a Mafia, find Mordor in Romania
to unleash myself from a bottomless pit of nostalgia.
I would never know what the future offers
No one does; but why is it that we`re always bothered?
Judgment day, zombie apocalypse, martians versus goblins
whatever happens, seize the day, with flying violins.
Tiny little bulbs
Flickering throughout the night
Here go the carols
Sweaters are my friends
They keep me warm and cozy
On these glacial days
What`s that on T.V.?
It`s Santa and his reindeers
It`s Christmas, indeed!
Lying on the grass
Refreshing my inner mind
A brand new chapter
Trying to create
Something genius and witty
But on the cloud nine
On a gloomy Monday morning
Mr. Jumango went to his room
Got the broom
And swept like a king
After the thorough bath
He got into his Chevy
Kept his Blackberry
And followed the sun`s path
Mr. Jumango arrived at school
Went straight to sixty ninth floor
Slammed the door
And assumed he was cool
“Listen up, everybody!” he exclaimed
The clod got mad at me
Yet I loathe thee
And Mr. Jumango left his head in flames
Some form of hard work, I’ll know will pay off
Calluses on my fingers that once were soft
A hundred of words I come to seek,
and that there, a hundred letters made you weak.
A pencil like you always makes me blind
though it took a few tries before I know I can find.
I’ll bury you in a safe compartment;
I know I’ll never find a replacement.
I rely on you for ideas to flow,
trusting it would lay down the things I don’t know.
I know now it’s up to me to think of what`ll come up,
but now the pencil is dead;
I may or may not have every reason to stop.
Art has its perk
When love has stumbled upon something dangerous
You turn to the fires of your heart, and neglect your brain.
Art is the answer, just let it flow
As I watch England get raped with rifles and bombs, I wished everything was just a dream of mine — a dream of mine that when I wake up, sunshine filled my room and my paper sculptures danced with their shadows while Petunia waking me up with a soppy kiss on my cheek.
I tried to savor the moment of lying on a bed this time, but mother stormed in my small, claustrophobic room just beside the garage telling me that I should be alert next time. I thought “next time” was a really harsh thing to say during a world war. We never know if there`s still a next time for all of us.
As I packed my things, I never thought about the majority of my clothes nor my personal hygiene. I got my suit case, gathered my brushes, tubes of paint, an easel and yards of canvas. I told myself, “How hard could it be?”
Hurriedly evacuating my home that I grew up in and loved, I reminisced the good memories I will leave in our old, cozy conch house. I rode in the back seat just to study every detail as it zoomed out from distance.
Sitting quietly I envisioned my future. Actually, I envisioned nothing. I don`t know what else to do but to create masterpieces and express myself freely. I honestly didn`t care much about things… I was naïve.
Apocalypse happened. My family died during a gun outrage. Since then, I never went back to England again. Ever.
My name`s Sanger. Stephan Oliver Sanger. My family died in the war when I was just 13. Today I turn 26, I started to discover things way beyond my imagination.
Petunia died some 3 years ago. I miss her, especially the times when she`s the only one whom I can talk to without hesitation or without any violent comments. All she answers is her joyful back and the ever popular tail-wiggling.
“I live alone now.” I told Mr. Wilson, the man next door who has been helping me have a decent life in New York.
“Oh, I`m sure Petunia`s happy for you wherever she is in dog heaven!” the stout man with tan lines peeping out his thin camisole said.
I looked at my blank canvas and tried to paint something — a possible artwork that may transform into cash.
Then came a miracle.
“Money!” I said, a little louder than usual. What if I paint dollar bills? What if I make something so realistic, they’ll think it’s authentic?
There I went locking myself in my little space called studio, carefully drawing lines and curves with forest green ink. A feeling of fear and cleverness came upon me as I was doing some impressive bills.
After some finishing touches, I kissed my bills good luck and rushed out. Bagelman`s Bagel Shop — what a redundant name. “One caramel banana bagel and a cup of white coffee, please” I said as I handed my manmade dollar bills with some sort of hesitation. After looking at it, the cashier lady handed me my change. As I left the store, I thanked everything around me for letting me buy food with, technically, no money.
Days, weeks, and months passed. No one knew my secret except Petunia and possibly, my family looking down on me, or up at me. I hope they`re proud I`ve done something no one hasn`t done before yet.
One day I know I`ll go to prison for this but I`ll be the best criminal there. My experiences taught me well, very well.
Up to this day, I count my days `til my epic capture.